Ask Me How It Works

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What to expect

Brought to you by Penguin.

Here is my husband.
Here is my boyfriend.
Here I am.

In the early hours of dawn in Amsterdam, Deepa Paul rises from her boyfriend’s bed. She gets dressed, slips away with a kiss and cycles home, where she is welcomed into the arms of her husband, whose contentment is mellow alongside her own. There isn’t a glimmer of shame, deception or guilt, only the honesty and compassion needed to make this kind of life possible — even if it wasn’t always this easy.

You might have questions. Whose idea was it? What are the rules? Are you ever jealous? In this memoir, Deepa offers her answers openly and tenderly, as she explores the truth to questions of her own. Can I ask for what I want, and still honour the life I have chosen? Do I deserve it? Is it worth it?

Unexpectedly relatable and joyfully vibrant, this is one woman’s story of discovering her own desires and how to liberate them, of shifting identities from mother to lover and back again, and of finding the courage to ask for the marriage she wanted, beyond the marriage she had.

One question at a time.

'Deepa is the epitome of a woman living in her power. Ask Me How It Works provides a stunningly vulnerable and poetic glimpse into her most intimate spaces and through her journey to sexual liberation. If this book doesn’t change your perspective on relationships, nothing will' GILLIAN ANDERSON

'A fascinating and big-hearted portrait of sex, intimacy and non-monogamy' CLOVER STROUD

'A memoir that offers a candid and insightful perspective on love in all its forms' Stylist

© Deepa Paul 2025 (P) Penguin Audio 2025

Critics Review

Deepa is the epitome of a woman living in her power. Ask Me How It Works provides a stunningly vulnerable and poetic glimpse into her most intimate spaces and through her journey to sexual liberation. If this book doesn’t change your perspective on relationships, nothing will
Gillian Anderson
A fascinating and big-hearted portrait of sex, intimacy and non-monogamy
Clover Stroud
A singingly honest, live-wire of a memoir. Reads like a long-overdue conversation with an old friend, will leave you thrilled and humming with possibility
Yael van der Wouden
A spectacular memoir written with verve and style
Nana Darkoa Sekyiamah
A generous-spirited, imaginative exploration of how to live life differently
Rebecca Wait, author of I’m Sorry You Feel That Way
A wonderfully honest and liberating memoir
Julia Samuel, author of This Too Shall Pass
A rare and wonderful thing. I feel changed and inspired by this book
Lucy-Anne Holmes
With candour and wit, Deepa invites readers into her personal journey. As a woman of colour, her perspective adds a needed voice to discussions of non-traditional relationships
Jessica Fern, author of POLYSECURE

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